Gift Guilt: Am I selfish for wanting wedding gifts?

This blog is a two-part series on the taboo topic of how to deal with the etiquette of wedding announcements and gift registration for elopements and tiny weddings.

So, you’ve decided to elope or have a tiny wedding

Congratulations! I know you and your fiancé must be bursting with happiness! There are so many pros to your decision: you aren’t going into incredible debt for a party, if you are having a tiny wedding then your very closest friends and family will share an important and intimate life choice and of course and you won’t have to take on a part time job of event planning. There are cons, of course, the largest among them being that you won’t be getting many wedding gifts.

Now, before I go any further, let me acknowledge that all situations are not equal. Some couples have been living together for ages and don’t need or want wedding gifts. Some of you might find the very fact that I am writing about this topic to be tacky, selfish or greedy. I am writing this article because I couldn’t find anyone else giving advice on discreetly and graciously giving friends and family the option to buy a couple a wedding gift.

I don’t know how it became a commonplace requirement to give a wedding gift in return for being invited to a wedding- Maybe it was when the guest lists became so large that people didn’t truly know their wedding guests. This is not an exchange for goods and services.

The internet is filled with questions about bridesmaids and groomsman

feeling forced into giving multiple gifts or people who aren’t attending a wedding agonizing over whether to gift of not. No one should ever feel obligated to give a gift at a wedding.  It’s about people wanting to celebrate your new life decision and you tactfully giving them the chance.

However, I believe there are three times in a person’s life that friends and family should want to give material gifts to those whom they have close or long-lasting relationships.

Those times are:

1. High School Graduation

I in our society graduation from high school is seen as the largest step toward adulthood. Graduation is the culmination of the work that one has done for nearly 60% of their life. Completing a 12-year project at the tender age of 18 is an accomplishment, indeed.

2. First marriage (for either party)

 Wedding gifts are given in celebration of what is yet to come. Two people have chosen each other to be partners, putting themselves aside to make room for a cohesive unit. Having someone to experience life’s ups and downs is integral to our happiness. Close friends and family bestowing a gift supporting the start of this life journey is why we practice this in the first place.

3. First child

This is arguably the most important moment in one’s life. With the arrival of a first child, life is forever changed. Those nearest and dearest to often want to help with either time or a gift to ease those first anxious months of parenthood.

There is a lot of advice out there preparing couples to not get wedding gifts if they elope. There is also a lot of debate about whether or not to put your registry on your wedding announcement if your elope. For the record, I believe that you should not put your registry on your wedding announcement.

How then, will people get your tactful gift-receiving opportunity? I am going to tell you, step by step.

First, timing is the most important part

of this whole thing. So, when you get engaged go register in three stores that have online registry options. Don’t worry if your date is super close, most places keep the registries active for at least a year after the wedding date. Also, don’t worry if you don’t know your date. Stores will allow you to change it, you just have to remember to do it when you finally settle on a date!

I personally advise going brick and mortar store to register because playing with the little SKU guns is fun and it’s something that you’re doing together. In my experience, the salespeople make a big fuss (by “big fuss” I mean a bag of coupons, a bottle of water and maybe chocolate). So it could be a fun time! Make sure you block off at least an hour per store because setting up the registry will take anywhere from 10-30 minutes.

Check back for the next installment where I’ll explain how to set up everything for your elopement or tiny wedding registry!